Seeing as how no one reads this anyway, thought I might leave some words that needed being said that were left unsaid.
It’s a shame that after so many years, you decided to ghost me over something so trivial instead of talking to me. If you had only approached me and told me that you needed help, we wouldn’t have had to throw away our childhood. Unfortunately, I lost the ability to trust others because of you. It was just money, man. But I suppose you also helped me realize my naivety. So, thank you in that regard.
I was such a piece of shit towards you two. When cryptocurrencies started gaining traction, I had felt that anything you asked of me was beneath me. Nothing you could ask of me could possibly be worth my time. I only saw the value of how much more I could make in the time to help you, and that was wrong of me. It really fucked with my perspective of the value of things. I suppose thatâs the biggest reason my stance towards money has changed, and how I no longer care for it.
You were always too nice to me, treating me way better than I deserved. I was always so dismissive towards you and wish I had done better. To this day I think about how you asked me to go on a walk and watch a movie with you the day before, but of course I had more âimportantâ things to do. How quickly the world can change within a single day. I still recall getting the call on that August evening, the call that I should hurry over before it’s too late.
To preface, I guess more than anything, I wish I could apologize for everything I had done to you so long ago. Despite my typical inability to feel guilt, it’s probably the only thing I truly do feel guilty about.
That being said, you absolutely broke me. What innocence I had no longer exists.
Where to even begin? So many mixed feelings. I suppose our beginnings set the stage throughout the term of our friendship as you became increasingly abusive towards me, perhaps in retribution. I suppose thatâs why I was so accepting of it for so many years. I felt responsible for it at the time, but thinking back on it, we should always have been culpable for our actions despite their apparent motivations.
Through your various forms of abuse, you really did know how to isolate me. You only hit me up when you needed something, yet you were always absent when I needed you. Youâd constantly tell me how little I meant to you, only to come to me crying when you needed someone to talk to and telling me how much I meant to you. That honestly fucked with my self-worth, even to this day. Even now, no matter how many people I surround myself with, those thoughts creep up to me. It’s probably why I would jump from one group of friends to another, before they really get a chance to get close to me. As a result, I find it so very difficult to truly open up to anybody any longer, which doesnât really bother me; Iâve gotten used to being on my own.
Itâs funny how our later friendship evolved far transcended our original relationship. In the end, you essentially felt like a younger sister to me; you were family. Ultimately, I understand why everything resulted in the way it did. By that time, we had become so toxic towards one another that it was only a matter of time. I hope you didnât end up blaming yourself for it all because I was just as much at fault, if not more. It seems that youâre in a better place now, however, which brings me some comfort in knowing you were able to escape.
I guess it’s our inevitable fate.
I’m sorry, my dearest friend.
I am the way I am and have no interest in changing myself for any of you.
Yeah, you can go fuck yourself.